On Hygiene and Swagger

So, as many people may not be aware, today is the launch date of the new Nintendo 3DS. Some people, myself included, chose to preorder one and pick it up at midnight (I went with the blue system, by the way)

Midnight launches are a funny thing, because you can usually get a pretty solid picture of the target demographic. Is it a first person shooter? You'll see that the majority of people are college age, angry, and probably high. Sports game? Similar, but more likely drunk than high, and there in force with their "Bros". The only other kind of midnight launch I had attended prior to this one was for World of Warcraft expansions (yes, I am a WoW kid), which had a nice mix of casual gamer, long suffering spouse/partner, and obsessive individual. And I do mean obsessed. People in costume, role playing as their favorite class/NPC/etc.

So anyway, midnight launch for the 3DS... I head to my local video game store expecting mostly parents, and find... well... two. And they weren't there for their children. The largest group there, which I assume were the "Alpha" members of the pack, were mid 30's, horribly overweight, and reeking of stale body odor. The kind you only get after not showering for a week. Their clothing was stained and discolored in a way that implies a certain level of effort, and pride. Physically intimidating, not through force of presence, but fear that whatever social disease they had may be contagious.

And then they started speaking.

Make no mistake, these were true masters of their field. They spoke of things that most would never have the drive to research. About Pokemon. They discussed the intricacies of breeding to attain the best possible statistics and moveset for a particular breed. How it takes generations of carefully selected breeding pairs to maximize results. The advantages of trading "Stud" units amongst friends to reach the greatest potential, and spreading the fabled "pokerus" amongst one's inner circle. Make no mistake, there are 6 year olds at pokemon tournaments that fear and idolize these individuals. I'm sure that, were it not for the total lack of personal hygiene, they may even befriend some of the little tykes. And while they may impress those of smaller stature and younger years, all they did was creep me out.

Who looks that in-depth into a game aimed towards children? A fun game, to be sure, but a kids game nonetheless.

It was at this point, stamped receipt in hand (you get your receipt stamped after paying off the system, so that you may then get said item at midnight) that I pulled out the PSP to pass the time. I had roughly a half hour to wait, and I didn't really want to socialize for fear of the aroma overwhelming me. My best guess is that I would either pass out or vomit, probably both. I started up the disc (Crisis Core, for those wondering) and proceeded to mind my own business.

After around 5 minutes, one of the Pokefans waddles his way over to me, with all the swagger he can muster under the weight of sweat and dirt caked to his skin.

"Oh really? REALLY? You're going to play a PSP. A PSP! At a NINTENDO launch party. Oh man. Oh god. What kind of jackass would play a SONY PRODUCT at a NINTENDO LAUNCH PARTY"

..I feel it prudent to mention, a midnight launch is not a "launch party"... it's just people picking up an item at midnight. Launch parties tend to involve music, food, drink, and people you actually want to talk to. The staff is usually awake and attentive, excited to be there. This had none of those things.

Taking a deep breath of what little fresh air remained, I watched this lumbering behemoth slowly close the distance between us. Not for dramatic effect, but I fear because it's all the speed his underdeveloped legs could muster.

"Look, I'm just here to pick up my 3DS. I'm not in the mood to exchange witticisms. Saunter back over to your friends there and mind your own business."

He lets out what, I imagine, would be described as a guffaw. "You probably don't even know the first thing about video games. Pf. A PSP. Only a loser would buy a Sony product, everything they make is junk! That's like... like... like buying an Xbox!"

I do, for the record, own both a PS3 and an Xbox 360. As well as a wii. I'm also writing this on a Sony Vaio which has served me quite well. It's also worth mentioning that this same gentleman had already given his Playstation Network ID to the cronies he had gathered.

"Right... Well then. Since you seem intent on cementing your Alpha Male status. You already mentioned to your little hobbit gang that you have a PSN account, something you would only need if you owned either a PSP, a PS3, or both. Sony is actually known for making generally good products, with the exception of the early model PS2 with it's optical laser error..." I'll spare you the rest of my rant. Needless to say I know a considerable amount about electronics, and video games in particular. I retain information very well, and I get bored enough to read articles quite often.

The brute is stunned. Flabbergasted, even. His gang is trying to egg him on without drawing attention to themselves, lest they be shamed as well. One of the employees holds back a laugh as I nonchalantly return to my game.

"Oh yeah?? OH YEAH?! Well... well.. I have a shiny scyther, with all the best stats and moves! I beat New Super Mario Brothers without dying all the time! I'm better at any game you can name than you!"

I can't help but sigh. "Look. I play games for fun, but I'm fairly certain most of the ones I enjoy, I can beat you in. But it's irrelevant, as I've still accomplished something far more meaningful than anything you've bothered to mention"

"Yeah, what's that?"

"I've mastered the intricacies of soap, shampoo, bodywash, and deodorant. I know how to use a clothes washer and dryer, as well as the appropriate chemicals. I can eat without getting it all over my clothing. Also, I've actually had sex, multiple times, without ever having to pay for it"

His face turns beet red. Head hung in shame, he slinks back to the safety of his crew. Roughly 15 minutes pass and I leave, 3DS in hand. I can't help but overhear the behemoth remarking to one of his cohorts "I've had sex! Really! I mean, yeah, it was back in high school... and we were both really drunk... but I've had sex, honest"

I chuckled, got in my car, and drove home.

The moral of the story is, I hope, clear. Hygiene is key to everything in life. Just because someone isn't boasting, that doesn't mean they can't win an argument. And of course, don't start something if you lack the swagger to back it up.